What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
12.06.2025 12:32
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
This is how, and why children get BPD.
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
This is soul school!.
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
What is the dirtiest city in India?
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
Would this be the day?
But, we were locked up after school.
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
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We all went to grammer schools
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
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I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
But ive been too sick for many years..
So whats the point in blame.
Who has experienced what they called a happy accident (bestiality)?
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
I was seconnd youngest,
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
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I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
On the 31st of Jan this month .
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
What did i know ?
Which one is better to guys, boobs or butt?
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
What do all Indian parents have in common?
I have no regrets .
Im dying but, im not bitter.
Who then, do I blame.?
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His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
I couldn’t, believe it.
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
We were not on the streets..
Why did i forgive my father ?
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
I will be 64.
He was dying to do it , i knew.
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
Especially a lifetime of it.
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
Put me off passion for life!!
Im still living with it.
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
My family never makes their pension either.
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
I don,t even have a pension.
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
Ive learnt so much.
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
Was to survive, this bastard.
I waited trembling.
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
When she asked me how she looked .
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
And i lived it daily.
She was in good health!
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
I had hoped to write a book about this .
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
They are buried together, in the same grave..
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
He knew the spot.
My life is so biszare .
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
I did it because my mum asked me too!
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
One cannot live in the past .
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
She loved him until the end.
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
I know ,a lot about trauma.
It was going to be , some day.
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
But it wasn’t much.
I write beautiful poetry .
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
I said to her
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
I was very sick at this time too.
I think the readers, may guess!
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
Comes on , in middle age.
All the time i was locked up.
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
As i do to all so called friends.?
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
I was 9 years of age.
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
So, i spoilt her more .
He resisted the act ,that day.
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
(And it was in our own minds.)
She wouldn,t have been !
I never cut or harmed myself..
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
She found it foreign!.
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
I was scared of men, in general
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
And who doesn’t know suffering?
I could never make a relationship work though!
My mum and dad in the seventies!
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
The only rule us 5 kids had .
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
She married twice! .
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
Where the ultimate outsiders.
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)